You Can’t Figure This Out
The human psyche responds pretty predictably to strange, chronic, intractable or inexplicable physical symptoms. There’s a whole cast of characters really, but the one I want to focus on today is the part who wants to FIGURE THIS OUT so it will GO AWAY.
Get to the bottom of it, find the doctor or therapist or guru that knows the answer, track back to when it first showed up or when it flares, read every book that could be related, or whatever flavor its intense, probing and demanding agenda takes.
This part is very powerful and many people simply experience it as themselves. A clue that it isn’t the Self (the seat of loving leadership in the psyche), is its energy signature, which is typically frantic, anxious and driving. Self energy is at ease, grounded, free, expansive and nourishing. The figure outer is compelling because it seems like the only force that is fighting for relief, and you desperately need relief. So, many tend to “get behind” this part and it runs the inner show.
It is really easy for the figure outer to latch onto what I’m saying throughout my work and contort it just slightly, but in a way that undermines the whole approach. You say this chronic (insert your trouble) is trying to tell me something? Great, let’s FIGURE IT OUT! With the energy of let’s wring the trouble like a damp towel to squeeze a tiny bit of liquid out, teeth clenched.
In order to hear what the symptom is asking, you have to abandon the agenda of figuring it out.
It is infuriatingly paradoxical. And can feel damn near impossible, especially alone.
It feels even more difficult if you imagine you must do it once and for all. Instead, just practice.
Decide on an amount of time. During the time that you decide, you put aside trying to make your problem go away, wishing it weren’t here, or digging to find out why it is here. If you’re practicing this alone, you might start with 3 minutes. Set a timer.
Begin by giving some gesture that tells your system this is what you are doing. Some ideas:
Embody the frantic, figure out energy by running around the room, then collapse on the ground.
Choose an item in your house that’s giving figure outer. Pick it up and speak to it “You figure outer, you trying so hard to make this go away. I put you down for now, for these next 3 minutes.” And then put it down.
Speak directly to your trouble, “For these 5 minutes I’m going to let you be. I know I’m often trying to make you go away, but I’m not going to do that right now.”
Then, check in with your trouble directly, as if it were a person. How does it respond to your gesture? Perhaps it softens, or settles, or opens, or bristles. Just notice how it is for your trouble when you take a break from resisting it.
Spend the rest of the time gently noting your experience and allowing yourself to feel and express whatever arises. If you notice anger or grief, lean in and yell or cry. If you get tired, let yourself relax.
If you find yourself resisting, you might say “I’m safe to feel this for 3 minutes.” And focus on the sensations you are experiencing—the dull ache, the sharp pain, the airy feeling, whatever. “You have permission to be here”. Whatever you’ve been trying to make go away, for these 3 minutes, simply let it be here. Host it.
An orienting metaphor: Behold your experience as if it were a work of art.
[PSA: It is a work of art! This trouble is a perfect reflection of a deep inner truth!]
You don’t go to an art gallery and “figure out” a painting. You simply take it in. You notice the colors and textures, how shapes interact and blend, the shadows and depth. Maybe you notice the effect it has on you emotionally. Do this with yourself. Just gaze curiously.
This is deceptively simple and extremely powerful.
Practice this everyday for a week. Everyone has 3 minutes a day for a week. And see what shifts. Maybe increase the amount of time. Instituting this as a regular practice, on its own, has the power to massively transform your relationship with what troubles you. There are other steps in my methodology, but this is foundational and may be all you need.
When the timer goes off, congratulate yourself. Maybe a pat over the heart, “Good job!” It is hard to suspend figuring it out because you’re hurting! You might thank your trouble for revealing itself. After all, most of the time someone is trying to blow it off the face of the planet, so being vulnerable is a major risk.
Some final advice: Do not attempt to put down your figure outer once and for all. This part of you is afraid, and has worries that need air time, love, holding and addressing. Resolutely deciding to ignore it is a recipe for louder protest, not acquiescence. Don’t make the figure outer your new enemy—everyone in the psyche is on your side, sometimes it just takes deep listening to discover how.
Okay one more thing. It reads easy but that doesn’t mean it feels easy. The more intractable the problem the more difficult it is to do this on your own. There is no shame in needing help. Reach out if it feels right for that to come from me.